If L. Ron Hubbard…a science fiction author can start up a religion that sticks pins in a Leah Remini doll, having at its core, several well-known and questionably talented members of the Hollywood asylum for the terminally nuts…and if some dude in prison serving time on assault charges, who helped to co-found a fascist organization…the Black Nationalist organization, could invent from thin air…Kwanza…and con folks into believing it was some authentic African holiday…
Why couldn’t I come up with a religion of my very own?
So…having put my full effort into it…I am now looking for converts to…
And just exactly what IS Bubléism…you might well ask?
It is the abject blind following of the one and only…Michael Bublé.
This is the way I see it…
In September, in the year of our crooner 1975, the not quite virgin Amber, and her husband, Lewis, traveled to Burnaby British Columbia in search of salmon…and Lewis was indeed a fisherman of…salmon…where Amber, the not quite a virgin gave birth to a son, in a hospital as there was no room in the stable…wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a bouncy bassinette.
She said he would be called Michael…and not Mike for short.
As the story goes…upon his birth…Michael, not Mike for short, was visited by the 3 Wise Guys…Frank, a guido from Hoboken, Dino, a wop from Stubenville Ohio, and Sammy, a half blind black Jew from Harlem…who had followed a star in the north, northeast and traveled by a caravan of tour buses from afar…Las Vegas where they had been doing 2 shows a night at the Sands…and brought to him gifts of gold (records)…mer(chandise) to be sold at concert venues…and Aqua Velva.
Young Michael…not Mike for short…began dreaming of becoming a famous singer at the tender age of two, and by the time he was but 13 years of age, and one can assume after his voice had gone through the change, his family knew he was something special when he boomed out, “May your days be merry and bright” during a holiday car ride.
As a young man, Michael, not Mike for short, traveled with his 12 roadies, gathering ever larger crowds who came to hear him sing the standards…which, when you think about it was quite remarkable at a time when gangsta rap was all the rage…and his reputation grew.
Now then…what would a religion be without a miracle?
I mean…seriously…if you’re going to blindly follow someone on whom you’ve based an entire religion…wouldn’t it be helpful to have a miracle performed by your religious icon…just to more or less cement the deal?
Of course it would…and believe it or not…Michael, not Mike for short, has indeed performed such a miracle.
It happened one night, as Michael,not Mike for short Bublé was singing the gospel according to Sammy Cahn, who wrote in the book of Sinatra, verse 1, “Come fly with me, let’s fly, let’s fly away If you can use some exotic booze There’s a bar in far Bombay Come fly with me, let’s fly, let’s fly away…” when he saw a young boy, in the audience who tragically had never uttered a sound in his life…that’s my story and I’m sticking with it…and Bublé told that boys mother…”let your son come to me…send him here to me on this stage.”
And then…in front of an audience of thousands… Bublé performed a miracle by simply laying his hand upon the voiceless child and lo and behold…
The Bublé Miracle…and they were “feelin’ good.”
Oh…I can just HEAR the Holier Than Thous now…”JESUS would have NEVER used such language!!!”
Look…lacking any video evidence to the contrary, I’m reasonably sure, that upon making a lame man walk, a few colorful Aramaic phrases were uttered by Jesus, and 11 high fives followed by a chest bump with Peter, not Pete for short…were exchanged.
The rest of Michael, not Mike for short Bublé’s life continues to be history in the making, but every religion needs a holiday, replete with traditions, and Bubléism is no exception.
Dressing in slate grey suits, white shirts with the collars open, and loosened neckties not more than 2 ¼ inches wide…gratuitous mingling and small talk punctuated by stories of coolness and laughter…the swilling of Canadian Club whiskey in glasses containing square cubes of ice and little red swizzle sticks…having been served to the men by housewives as was the custom in the early 1960’s…
And the playing of background music as performed by Michael, not Mike for short Bublé himself.
The air in the room of the Bacchanal de Bublé should be thick with the wafting aroma of Lucky Strikes, and the yard outside the room of the Bacchanal de Bublé ought to be festively festooned with Tiki torches, a bar cart of some sort, and at least one passed out drunk who was just too cool for the room.
During a traditional Easter feast, there is nearly always an Easter ham.
On the 4th of July, one often finds traditional Hotdogs and Hamburgers being served.
Thanksgiving would be nothing for which to be thankful without a traditional feast which at the center of the table features the Thanksgiving turkey…and so too does the Bacchanal de Bublé have its own traditional offering for the discerning palette…
A Crème Bublé Brûlée!!
If there’s anything that ANY religion teaches us…it’s that life is short…eat desert first, and the Crème Bublé Brûlée is a rather festive, flamed dessert that’s as smooth as a Bublé Christmas album…the deluxe special edition 2XLP version of which is now for sale at all your finer Target, Walmart and Urban Outfitter stores everywhere for only $19.98.
So…I know what you’re thinking…why Bubléism? Why convert to this new religion?
Well…it has several advantages…such as…there are no door to door Bubléism salesmen interrupting your dinner trying to convince you to convert to a religion that screws up your entire Saturday…you can dance to all the Bubléism hymns, unlike with Judaism of which only Hava Nagila can be danced to… only if one removes the vast majority of furniture from the room first…and there are no competing denominations of Bubléism…as there are with Elvisism…in which there are those who belong to the early, pre-Army branch of Elvisism, those who are believers in the 1968 comeback Elvisism denomination, and the folks who are devotees of the 1974 Aloha From Hawaii to the Fat Old Elvisism denomination that have enshrined a toilet as their alter.
Now, with most of your more popular and well-known religions, it’s frowned upon if you don’t get all dressed up and report to a specific place, at a pre-specified time on at least a weekly basis for rather staunch services…and that brings up yet another advantage to Bubléism, in that services are generally held on Fridays after work, at just about any piano bar anywhere during happy hour…you can dress casually…perhaps in a cardigan or an ugly Christmas sweater this time of the year…and Communion consists of a double Scotch…straight up…and hors d’oeuvres.
Churches everywhere are famous for passing the collection plate because apparently, God comes up a little short by the end of every week…but as is always the case with Bubléism, there’s a tip jar on the baby grand, and it’s always nice to take care of the waitresses when you close out your tab.
Oh…and one more very important advantage with Bubléism, is that rather than being forced to sing the choir selections as printed in the bulletin, which requires the use of a hymnal that only makes sense to a music major at a liberal arts college…the piano player takes requests…and you already know the lyrics and the tune before the music starts.
I’m tellin’ ya…as religions go… Bubléism is pretty laid back, and as cool as the other side of the pillow.
I’m not trying to make Bublé into some sort of deity…God knows there are already enough of those scattered about from various forms of organized religions, and while some may think I’m making a false comparison between Michael, not Mike for short, and Jesus…well…a wooden cross, a few nails and the whole rising from the dead thing aside…what did Jesus have that Bublé doesn’t?
They both had, or have charisma, the both had or have the ability to draw a crowd, they are, or weren’t everybody’s cup of tea, they both did or do travel…although Jesus was pretty much a local act, playing vineyards, small villages and the occasional command performance in a temple…while Bublé is actually an international superstar, playing halls, stadiums and resort stages.
There was that one time however, when Jesus played the original Olive Garden, at an all you can eat fish fry…and the bread sticks just kept coming…but I’m not really sure that Bublé’s agent sees dinner theater as an upward move.
Besides…Bublé has one huge thing Jesus never had…the ability to croon. Oh, sure, you might ask why I’m so sure the Lord Jesus couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket…but his pals wrote about every impressive thing Jesus ever did…and not ONCE do they ever mention the Son of God bringing a crowd to it’s feet with a stirring rendition of “I Gotta Right to Sing the Blues…”
Which, let’s face it, would have been a show stopper at that last Good Friday gig.
Look…all I’m sayin’ is, that if George Costanza’s dad can come up with Festivus For the Rest of Us…I should be allowed to invent Bubléism if I want to.
Besides, at the end of the day, I can always borrow a little something from Sinatra, who’s been covered by Michael, not Mike for short, and tell people…
“I did it Myyyyyyyyyyy…Wayyyyyyyyyy.”
Copyright © 2017 Craig Andresen / thenationalpatriot.com
Today, Tuesday, December 5th from 7 to 9pm on American Political Radio, RIGHT SIDE PATRIOTS Craig Andresen and Diane Sori welcome special guest MUDAR ZAHRAN, Secretary General of the Jordanian Opposition Coalition; discuss politics with a different name; and the dawn of a new religion.
Hope you can tune in at: http://listen.samcloud.com/w/73891/American-Political-Radio#history