To the Class of 2017…

By Craig Andresen – Right Side Patriots on American Political Radio

Once again, here we are on the cusp of college graduation season, and I have not been asked to give a commencement address.

It would seem a mystery, but as I deal in truth and reality…I’m not at all surprised by the snub.

Come to think of it…it’s probably the same reason I’ve never been invited to give the Christmas Eve service at church. That said, rather than stand there blowing smoke up the gowns of the soon to be graduated, like so many other do on an annual basis, I will simply issue this year’s address via my keyboard…and it should be required reading for any and all who are about to leave our esteemed asylums of higher indoctrination.

To the class of 2017…

You have spent the vast majority of the past two decades being indoctrinated, and while most of you truly believe that you are now ready to take on the world, I assure you, that nothing could be further from the truth.

Your indoctrination has done nothing to prepare you for what lies ahead, for what is staring you in the face…is reality…and your indoctrination has been, for the most part, the stuff of myth, fantasy, fairy tales and liberal unicorns that fart pretty rainbows.

What I am about to impart upon you is real, it’s not for the faint of heart, and it just might rattle you to your very core, but these are things you need to know, or at least be told, before you prance about in the world of post-graduation bliss.


There are no “safe spaces” in the real world. Curling up in the fetal position on the floor of your cubical with a coloring book, a handful of Crayons, a bottle of bubbles and a therapy puppy probably won’t go over too well when you are told that 2 plus 2 doesn’t actually equal 7.

In other words, from time to time, your feelings are going to get hurt…and in the real world, your delicate feelings are not all that precious. Suck it up cupcakes…I’m just getting started.

Next…if you happen to be white, you are not privileged because of it. If you happen to be black, or of some other variation of skin color not considered to be white…white people are not privileged because they lack your particular level of melanin. Your race, whatever it might be, is not the thing that propels you, nor is it the thing that holds you back.

This is America, and you all have the same opportunities…whether or not you take advantage of those opportunities is your business…but if you believe you will fail based on the color of your skin, chances are, you will fail, but the real world is full of people from every color and every walk of life who have succeeded, regardless of the color of their skin…because they believed they could.

Third…nobody owes you a damned thing.

You might think, that just because you’ve been indoctrinated for the better part of the last two decades…somebody owes you something, like a job. Well, guess what Petunia…they don’t, and you have to earn it.

You might think that because your ancestors were slaves, that you are owed something. You’re not, because you were never owned by anyone…they were…and hundreds of thousands of people who looked more like their owners than your ancestors paid the price in blood for what your ancestors were owed.

And besides…it wasn’t the ancestors of white people who put your black ancestors in chains to begin with…your black ancestors did that. If you would like to file a grievance with them…please…by all means feel free to do so, and good luck with that.

Fourth…Flipping burgers at an Irish joint with a clown mascot is not a career, and you should not be getting $15.00 an hour for starting at the bottom while you look for something better.

It takes years and years of hard work, discipline, trial and error, and some luck to become the rich people of tomorrow that you so despise today. Be patient, be committed, be industrious and be smart, and some day, you’ll have what others have earned because you will have earned it just as they did…but it is not owed to you, and the gloriousness of being you, isn’t worth $15.00 an hour.

Fifth…despite what you have been indoctrinated to believe…your gender identity can be found in only two places…in your genes, and in your jeans. If you are confused, might I first suggest a DNA test from which science can tell you, without a doubt, whether you are male, or female. However, if waiting for a few weeks for the results of such a test is too much for you, might I suggest you reach into the front of your Levis, root about in there for a minute or two…and the true nature of your nature will become readily apparent.

While the second suggestion could be misleading, depending on certain available surgical alterations, the first will always be the most accurate. Oh, you can self-identify as a hermaphroditic Martian Moon Muskrat if you want to, but it doesn’t change the reality of your gender at birth. You are what you are, and if you think you’re something else…that’s not my problem…it’s your problem.


Marching up and down the street, while wearing a giant vagina costume and demanding that you not be objectified by men…is counter-productive…more so if it rains on your parade and your costume becomes dripping wet.

Just sayin’…

Seventh…socialism is a failed political ideology. Socialism, regardless of how good it looks on paper, has imploded every time and everywhere it has ever been employed, because eventually, it runs out of other people’s money. Yes, socialism does make everybody equal…equally poor, equally worse off, equally downtrodden and equally pissed off…but equal. Under socialism, regardless of how far down the ladder you are at the start of it, eventually, because of socialism, you will find yourself at the top of the ladder, not because you’ve risen to that rung, but because those above you have been targeted by socialism and picked off one by one. At that point, you become the target of socialism until you, and all around you end up at the bottom of that ladder.

Eighth, Bill Nye is not a scientist, and man-made global climate warming change, or whatever they’re calling it this week, is a load of bull.

The earth has been here for 4.5 billion years, and for the overwhelming vast majority of those years, man wasn’t even here…and yet since the first day of earth’s existence, our climate has been changing. Climate change is a govern-mental disease designed to extract taxes from people so as to control people. You cannot change the climate by throwing other people’s money at it any more than you can change it by sacrificing a virgin to it.

In the 1970’s, we were all told that the earth would be covered in ice due to man’s effect on the climate, and when that didn’t come to pass, we were all told that in another 30 years, the earth would be so hot that the polar ice caps would melt and we would all drown. That didn’t happen either, so they quit calling it global warming and started calling it climate change…that way, either way things went…they could say they told us all so.

It’s the weather, stupid, and NASA has been keeping track of the earth’s temperature for the past 20 years, with a rectal thermometer stuck in Buttcrackistan, and guess what? There has been no change.

Those of you with your hands still down the front of your pants pretending to be trying to figure out which gender you are, are not authorities on the earth’s climate, and while you are, for the moment, happy with yourselves, your whimpering about man-made climate change is inane.

Ninth…Oil is not evil. Millions of dinosaurs and trillions of plants died to create it over hundreds of millions of years, and it would be shameful to just let it sit there…wasted. We all know how you feel about pipelines, and that you worry yourselves into quivering blobs of safe space goo over the notion that some of it might spill and soak into the ground.

Where do you think it resides in the first place?

You also have a deep seeded fear that some of it will spill into the water…but guess what? Oil floats, and while it is messy, and expensive to clean up…it can be cleaned up.

We all know that you think green energy is green, and that it will save the planet because it’s not fossil fuel…but what do you suppose it takes to make all the green energy components that you claim will save the planet? That’s right…fossil fuel.

Let’s take wind energy as an example…green…right? Wrong. It takes fossil fuel to manufacture the products used to make giant wind turbines…it requires electricity to run one of those monsters…and that comes from conventional fossil fuel fired power plants, or a nuclear plant…and how do you suppose they transport those monstrosities from point A, where they’re made, to point B where they’re put up? On ships, trains and trucks all using fossil fuel. And the electricity they produce is unreliable, costs more than any electricity produced by fossil fuel, and while they emit toxic smoke when they catch fire…they kill birds when they’re working.

Think about that next time one of you green energy vegan puff-tards is nuking a tofu and bean sprout casserole for dinner.

And finally…tenth…this is America, the greatest nation on earth. Be proud of the fact that you’re lucky enough to be Americans, and quit thinking that it’s better to be just like the damned Europeans. If Americans wanted to be just like the Europeans, nobody would have left Europe to come over here.

America has its own culture. It’s a culture that has thrived for hundreds of years because we dare to be different. We’re a melting pot…which means that despite what you bunch of fruits, flake and nuts think…we are not a bowl of granola where each and every morsel should be distinct from every other bit. When people from somewhere else come here, they are expected to blend in with our culture…not maintain whatever culture they left behind.

Look around Europe…and other places…they’re falling apart. France and Germany are being overrun by a culture of barbarians who intend to kill everybody who doesn’t bow down to their cult of death and destruction…but France and Germany want to prove just how intellectually superior they are by making believe that all the Muslims want, is softer toilet paper. That’s not what they want. They want to kill all the Europeans and destroy the European culture. Letting the barbarians in, while erasing their own borders isn’t intellectually superior any more than committing suicide is the prescription for a longer life.

Have you seen Greece lately? They have run out of other people’s money and while you can retire there at the age of 50…they don’t have enough money to keep you alive until you’re 51. Venezuela…have you seen that hell-hole lately? Try going down there and demanding $15.00 an hour to flip burgers and see what they think of you.

Spain is well on its way to becoming a total disaster. Look around the whole of Europe and you’ll find one festering disaster in the making after another, but if you think we should be just like them…go over there and spend the next ten years living there…then come back here and tell us all again why we should be ashamed of ourselves.

Do you lock your doors when you’re not home? Do you lock up your car when you park it somewhere? Do you close the bathroom door or latch the stall when you’re in there? Why?

Because you don’t want people who don’t belong in those places to be in those places…and yet you bunch of not ready for the real world, idealistic geniuses want to throw our borders wide open and provide those who haven’t gone through the legal channels all the rights, and benefits of being an American.

That’s insane.

Let me put it this way…

What are you going to do when you come home one night, after being replaced by a kiosk that gets paid zero dollars an hour because you demanded $15.00 an hour, and find that someone you don’t know has invaded your safe space and blown all your bubbles, used your Black Lives Matter T-shirt as toilet paper, taken your allowance, your participation trophies and your best prom dress along with your color coordinated matching jock strap?

Let’s say that whoever it was that broke into your place believed they were entitled to what you had, and in the true nature of socialism, appropriated it for themselves, like the big screen TV you use to play video games on, which by the way is made of petroleum based products, and ate all of your tofu, thus giving themselves a case of the galloping farts that resulted in a massive release of methane into the atmosphere, and left you a note written in a language you can’t read because they have refused to learn English.

What would you do?

If you would call the cops, who you hate because you think they’re some sort of paramilitary, fascist organization and demand the thieves be found, and arrested in the hopes that you would get all your stuff back, but on the off chance they aren’t caught with your matching dress and banana hammock, you would call your evil insurance agent to file a claim…congratulations…you’ve taken a step towards being ready for the real world.


If your response to that sort of an intrusion into your private dwelling is to put on your giant vagina costume and dance around a wind turbine singing kumbaya while burning an American flag…your indoctrination is complete, and you are a complete fool.

If you happen to be in the “I’d call the cops” group…please line up on the right to receive your diplomas.

If, however, you’re in the group taking selfies in the bathroom mirror while putting lipstick on your vagina costume…please move to the left, take your hand out of the front of your pants…we have a participation trophy here with your name on it.

May God help us all.

Copyright © 2017 Craig Andresen /



Today, Friday, April 28th from 7 to 9pm on American Political Radio, RIGHT SIDE PATRIOTS Craig Andresen and Diane Sori discuss the witch hunt against General Flynn, Craig takes the 2017 grads to school, and the week’s important news.

Hope you can tune in at American Political Radio!!

One thought on “To the Class of 2017…

  1. Enjoy your ‘writing’ and ‘common sense’ content. Great article! Fox News should put you in Bill O’Reilly’s old chair.

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