How to LOSE an Election in 10 Easy Steps

As we have an election in a short 8 ½ months, primaries in just 3 months and, since we haven’t done this sort of thing for the last 15 months or so…I thought now might be a good time for a refresher course in how to LOSE an election.

Somehow, we, as Conservatives, screwed it up back in 2010 and actually won the darn thing.

If memory serves…It was called a shellacking and, we certainly wouldn’t want to have THAT again.

Would we?

So…Let’s get started…

How to LOSE an election.


Don’t do your own.

It takes time…It’s hard and it simply isn’t necessary in this day and age. There are PLENTY of folks scattered about on social media that you don’t know a single thing about who will be more than happy to do your research for you.

By all means…TRUST them.

There are a lot of axes out there and more than enough people willing to grind them and, it really doesn’t matter whether or not THEY share YOUR values and ideology…THEY did the research and, according to them…PIGS can FLY.

Just go with it.



Articles, whether from multi-million dollar media companies or citizen journalists, are always a good resource but, if you’re taking the time to read anything other than the headline…YOU’RE WASTING TIME that could be better spent watching cute kitty cat videos.

Sure, there’s a load of information in the body of the article but, why read THAT when the HEADLINE is right there in front of you?

If you really want to lose the next election or 2, these next couple of items will be of particular interest to you.


If you classify yourself as a “PRAYER WARRIOR,” God bless you for keeping the faith.

It’s always more important when setting out to lose an election, to let your knees hit the floor rather than having your boots on the ground.

Simply leave it all up to GOD.

Never mind that God doesn’t vote and, if He did…The liberal/socialists would have Him registered on their side…GOD can take care of this election AND the next one since He doesn’t have anything better to do than hit the ol’ campaign trail.

After all…You’re PAYING Him 10% every month…Isn’t it about TIME he EARNED it…A little?

While you’re at it, pray for God to resurrect your dead car battery too. After all…He jump-started His Son…Didn’t he?


If YOU aren’t making social issues like, abortion, gay issues and free condoms your number one priority in these upcoming elections…You just might win one of them and that just won’t do if what your AIM is, is to LOSE those elections.

Things like the economy, foreign affairs, our national debt and getting pilfered by Obamacare aren’t anywhere NEAR as big a deal as some lumberjack getting married to her transgendered actress girlfriend.

We, as Conservatives, put a whole lot of weight on social issues in 2012 and we lost.



One of the best ways to lose, is to base your entire vote on a single issue.

Pick one…JUST one and GO WITH THAT.

If you can find a candidate that agrees with you on that ONE ISSUE…THAT’S YOUR CANDIDATE AND NO OTHER HAS ANY MERIT WHATSOEVER!!!

Speaking of…


In trying to lose an election, maybe 2…Look for the PERFECT CANDIDATE. That is always helpful.

Do NOT settle for a candidate that is in line with 85% or 90% of your thinking…An 85-90% win is nowhere near as good as a 100% loss.

While PERFECT candidates are easy to find and a dime a dozen…Don’t sweat it if, for some bizarre reason, you can’t find one…

JUST STAY HOME ON VOTING DAY and you’ll accomplish the goal of losing another election straight away.


On the off chance the candidate’s name with an “R” after it isn’t your one-and-only, chosen candidate…Don’t worry your head over it.

See that little space on the ballot next to the word, “OTHER?”

Well…Just jot in the name of YOUR one-and-only, chosen candidate right there and know that there are potentially 10’s of THOUSANDS of other people out there JUST LIKE YOU…except…

THEIR one-and-only, chosen candidate spells HIS or HER name COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY than does YOUR one-and-only, chosen candidate.

By doing this “write in thing” rather than voting for the name with the “R” behind it…


Who’s winning in the wealth spreading?

THAT’S RIGHT GENIUS…NOBODY WINS and WE won’t win by spreading the VOTE either!!!

Don’t shake your heads…We PROVED it in November of 2012.


If you are truly intent on losing the next 2 elections…By all means…


They have a GREAT track record of picking losers in big elections and there is no reason on earth to spoil their fun.

They’re already knocking on email boxes looking for handouts…GIVE THE POLITICAL WHIMPY’S WHATEVER YOU HAVE LEFT AFTER THE IRS IS FINISHED WITH YOU and you’ll by paying today for an election loss tomorrow.

9) 2014

If one is to mount a Conservative losing strategy, one needs to treat the 2014 primaries like the baseball All Star Game.

It don’t mean a thing except for who gets home field advantage and that home field, of course, is the name on the ballot.

See BALLOT, above.

AFTER the midterm primary, to ensure a midterm loss in November, be sure to take to social media to run the All Star winner into the ground in favor of YOUR candidate.

See…CANDIDATE, above.

And AFTER the November election…CELEBRATE the loss by calling those who ignored this tutorial names and by kicking them out of your groups and off your friends lists.

It’s the election equivalent of rioting after winning the World Series and burning your own city to the ground.

Sooner or later, SOMEBODY will come along and sweep up the debris.

10) 2016

The general election in 2016 ain’t nothing but a thing.

It’s only the fate of the Constitutional Republic, the entire U.S. economy, YOUR futures and the futures of YOUR kids and THEIR kids along with the fate of free nations around the world at stake.

Whoopty doo.


Freedom, liberty, our rights guaranteed us by the founders and the framers…A strong and growing economy, more jobs, less government intrusion into our private lives…Strength at home and abroad, the pursuit of happiness, exceptionalism…THE CONSTITUTION…

That’s just old-school crap and as moldy as those the Thanksgiving leftovers you forgot about in the back of your fridge.

Just because we’re all standing on the edge of the abyss…There’s NO reason whatsoever why we SHOULDN’T just BEND RIGHT OVER and LET A BUNCH OF BIG-GOVERNMENT-KNOWS-BETTER-THAT-WE-DO SOCIALISTS, KICK US RIGHT IN OUR CONSERVATIVE, GOD AND COUNTRY LOVING ASSES!!!!!

If we try…REALLY TRY to lose in 2014 AND in 2016…We can all sit back and count our food stamps, do and say only what socialists mandate to us and, all our cares will be gone.

On the other hand…

If we want to, we COULD win by doing just the OPPOSITE of what I’ve laid out here.

But, where’s the fun in that?

5 thoughts on “How to LOSE an Election in 10 Easy Steps

  1. I enthusiastically look forward to your posts. When you were off for a couple of weeks earlier this month, I missed you. I understand sarcasm, cynicism and humor and think you do it better than most. I’ll take issue with one point you made on #3: “While you’re at it, pray for God to resurrect your dead car battery too. After all…He jump-started His Son…Didn’t he?” I believe that this country is in dire straits right now because not enough people are following God or praying. This country was founded on Christian beliefs and you managed to offend, what I imagine to be, a big percentage of your reading audience by that statement. Keep up the posts, but please don’t offend God, who is the one thing that can bring this country back from despotism.

  2. Personally i think Money should be Taken Out of Politics, but Then They Would Have to Learn What Principles Are, and If They Cant Comprehend a Bill of Rights or Enumerated Powers, What Makes ya Think We Can Teach Them (its only been 100 years)?

  3. As an Independent, I owe no party my allegiance and will no longer vote for the GOP’s Old Guard statists who dash across the aisle at every opportunity. Republicans can stamp their feet, throw hissy fits from now to November, demand that I vote as I am told: not going to happen.

    The only way to get my vote is the old-fashioned way: earn it by nominating strong conservatives like Gowdy and Cruz. Otherwise, no deal, because it’s not my job to keep the GOP in power – especially when they prove they are spineless liars without honor or principle.

  4. No More Karl Rove deciding our Candidate via GOP Money- #DEFUNDGOP support your own Candidate without the GOP.

  5. This article has a lot of good, honest, and accurate information in it. Hopefully all the people who read this article will take it to heart and start taking the appropriate course of action(s). We can’t afford to lose anymore elections. I believe that if we are going to take this country back, it’s going to have to start in the churches. That means that all Christian pastors/preachers all across the nation and the world need to preach the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. This includes baptism, which is really about being immersed through the watery graves of baptism for the forgiveness of sins, and being raised to walk an innocent life.

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