Craig Andresen

Friday Fume

By Craig Andresen on January 11, 2013 at 6:38 am

As the warp speed march to full blown socialism continues, it’s getting harder and harder to survive each week without going stark-raving nuts.

As Patriots, we have to find a way to put an end to this insanity before we have no country left.

As we wait for the next shoe to drop, we must find a way to deal with the socialist fools and my favorite method is…LAUGHING!!!

Every Friday we let it out a little and laugh at the whole mess.

Today IS that day Friends and Patriots…

It’s Friday and…

I’m fuming.

Well, it’s only a matter of time before the Emperor signs an Imperial Order to MANDATE we ALL PURCHASE these.

COMPUTERIZED SMART FORKS!!!!!

Yep….Your old eating utensils ain’t good enough anymore.

YOU NEED A HAPIFORK!!!

Relax…they only cost $99.00 EACH!!!!!

The HAPIFORK will measure how fast you eat…How much time elapses between each and every mouthful and…How many bites you take.

Right now, it has a USB connection so YOU CAN UPLOAD IT ALL TO YOUR COMPUTER or iPHONE but…

NEXT YEAR…

A BLUETOOTH VERSION WILL BE “ON THE MARKET.”

Bluetooth… WIRELESS…Which of course means there IS a possibility that…YOUR EATING HABITS COULD BE DIRECTLY UPLOADED TO…

MOOOCHELLE AT THE WHITE HOUSE!!!!

And you thought the ban on Big Gulps was hard to swallow.

Did I mention that the HAPIFORK…If IT thinks you’re eating too fast…

STARTS TO VIBRATE???

It does.

Oh…Don’t worry…THEY’RE MAKING A SPOON…ATTACHMENT…THAT WILL SNAP ONTO THE STEM WHEN YOU TAKE THE FORK ATTACHMENT OFF!!!!!

But, until the spoon is available…

NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!!!!!

Now I’m sure SOCIALISTS are LINING UP to buy these RIDICULOUS things but you KNOW what WE’RE gonna do as PATRIOTS don’t ya?

YEP…EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!!!!!

Apparently, socialists are SO close to reducing the COLLECTIVE IQ to ZERO that these utensils ALSO sport ANOTHER fine feature…

Something called a FEEDBACK LIGHT.

I Can’t make this crap up friends.

The LIGHT will turn RED if you’re eating too fast and then GREEN whet your FORK has determined it’s time for your next bite.

SOCIALISTS ARE MAKING PEOPLE SO STUPID THEY NEED A RED AND GREEN LIGHT SYSTEM TO KNOW WHEN TO TAKE A BITE OF FOOD!!!!!

This means that, should one set a plate of wings in front of a socialist…THEY WILL JUST SIT THERE…HAVING NO IDEA WHAT TO DO…

If the battery dies…WHAT’S AN ORGANIC, FREE-RANGE, SMART LEGUME EATING SOCIALIST TO DO???

Just sit around in their Birkenstocks STARING AT EACH OTHER WHILE THEIR BEAN SPROUTS WILT???

Eat as much as you can as FAST as you can Patriots…

BEFORE THE FORK POLICE SHOW UP TO STEAL THE SILVER!!!!!

If they show up to MY house…I have EVERY intention of telling them to…

FORK OFF!!!!!

Fuming.

So now we can’t call a beautiful woman a beautiful woman???

WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT?????

Seriously…

ESPN apologized ON BEHALF OF BRENT MUSBURGER???

Because they thought he demeaned Miss Alabama during a BOWL GAME?????

BY SAYING SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL?????

Listen…I’ve seen Miss Alabama and…SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. For the very LIFE of me I can’t understand how that’s an insult.

The game was BORING and not worth even commenting on and then, there she was, on camera, Katherine Webb.

LOOK AT THE KID IN THE WHITE JERSEY!!!

HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW THERE’S A FOOTBALL GAME GOING ON!!!!!

I’M WILLING TO BET THAT WHATEVER THAT KID IS THINKING IS WAY…WAY MORE OFFENSIVE THAN ANYTHING MUSBURGER SAID!!!!!

You KNOW he’s doing his MATH HOMEWORK…

“Let’s see…she’s 22 and I’m 13…When she’s 32, I’ll be 23…When she’s 42…I’ll be 33…THAT’LL BE OKAY WON’T IT??? NOBODY’LL THINK ITS WEIRD THEN WILL THEY???”

Good grief…These media whackos are SO sure SOMEBODY is gonna be offended they’ll apologize for ANYTHING!!!!

ESPN released THIS inane statement: “We always try to capture interesting storylines and the relationship between an Auburn grad who is Miss Alabama and the current Alabama quarterback certainly met that test. However, we apologize that the commentary in this instance went too far and Brent understands that.”

So…What did Miss Webb herself think???

“I think if he had said something along the line if we were hot or sexy, I think that would be  little bit different. The fact that he said we were beautiful and gorgeous, I don’t think any woman wouldn’t be flattered by that. I appreciate it, but at the same time I don’t think I needed an apology.”

Beauty…Brains AND common sense???????

WHEN WILL LIBERAL/SOCIALISTS QUIT THINKING THEY HAVE TO BE OFFENDED ON BEHALF OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO AREN’T OFFENDED AT ALL?????

I’m fuming!

And finally…

The 2nd Amendment…According to socialists:

“A well regulated HUNTING PARTY, being necessary BECAUSE SUPER MARKETS HAVE NOT YET BEEN INVENTED, the right of the people to keep and bear HUNTING WEAPONS shall not be infringed UNLESS IT SUITS A SOCIALIST GOVERNMENT BENT ON CONTROLLING THE PEOPLE.”

That’s what THEY want you to believe it says.

It wouldn’t be a bit surprising that they have dictated it be taught that way by socialist teachers under the guidance of a thug union to children in public schools and asylums of higher indoctrination.

I hate to be the one to break it to these self-absorbed IDIOTS but…

THE 2ND AMENDMENT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HUNTING!!!!!

These MORONS are RUNNING to every available MICROPHONE and SCREAMING THAT YOU DON’T NEED 30 BULLETS TO KILL A DEER!!!

Duh.

That’s why hunters have a 30-06!!!

WE KEEP THE AR-15’s AND LARGE CAPACITY CLIPS FOR THINGS YOU CAN’T FIND AT THE GROCERY…

LIKE TYRANNICAL GOVERNMENTS WHO TRY TO TAKE THEM AWAY FROM US!!!!!

Meanwhile…WE’LL USE EM TO PROTECT OUR LIVES, OUR FAMILIES AND OUR PROPERTY FROM UNELECTED CRIMINALS!!!!!!!

Oh…You want SEE my GUN PERMIT???

Okay…

You can just MARCH YOURSELF OVER TO THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES BUILDING IN WASHINGTON DC…WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT UNDER GLASS…

BEING PROTECTED BY ARMED GUARDS WHO AIN’T HUNTING DEER!!!!!

It’s a little bit old, a little bit faded and…

IT’S CALLED THE BILL OF RIGHTS!!!!!

It reads:

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

IT DOESN’T LIMIT THE ARMS WE CAN BEAR…IT DOESN’T LIMIT THE NUMBER OF BULLETS…IT DOESN’T LIMIT WHAT OUR GUNS CAN LOOK LIKE BUT…

IT DOES LIMIT YOU…THE EMPEROR…AND THE REST OF GOVERNMENT FROM TAMPERING WITH US AND OUR GUNS!!!

What’s that, you say? The framers couldn’t have foreseen the advancement of technology and therefore, the Bill of Rights is obsolete???

BULLCRAP!!!!!

TRY SHUTTING OFF FREEDOM OF THE PRESS BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T SEE TYPEWRITERS AND TV COMING AND SEE HOW FAR YA GET!!!!!

Let me explain this in simple terms,

IN AS MUCH AS YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO ARM “FREEDOM FIGHTERS” AGAINST DICTATORS AND APPLAUDED THE OUTCOME…BE VERY CAREFUL ABOUT SIGNING AN IMPERIAL DICTATORIAL ORDER “INFRINGING” ON THE 2ND AMENDMENT!!!!!

AND DON’T THINK PUTTING A “GUN FREE ZONE” SIGN ON THE FENCE IS GONNA DISSUADE ANYBODY!!!!

What??? You want to sign an order TAXING bullets or guns to an extent that they become unaffordable???

WHILE YOU’RE HANGING OUT AT THE ARCHIVES…HAVE A LOOK AT THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE AND THE CONSTITUTION!!!

ONE OF EM GOES INTO GREAT DETAIL REGARDING TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION AND THE OTHER…

INFORMS YOUR IGNORANT ARSE REGARDING THE FACT THAT REVENUE BILLS MUST ORIGINATE IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!

NOW…

PUCKER UP BUTTERCUP AND…

KISS OUR COLLECTIVE GUN TOTTING, SMART FORK TRASHING, MISS ALABAMA LOVING BEHINDS…YOU PACK OF RABID WEASELS BECAUSE…WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO LOCK AND LOAD AT WILL!!!!!!!

So…It’s Friday my friends and…

I AM FUMING!!!!!!!

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5 Responses to “Friday Fume”

  1. Karen Goetz Says:

    ROFL @ “FORK OFF”!
    Thanks for my first laugh of the day, Craig.

    By the way, I think the the Birkenstock crowd may starve if their Hapiforks fail them. My store no longer carries sprouts of any kind due to the risk of ecoli. NOW what will they do?

  2. Greg CCC Says:

    Craig… Loved it and needed it today. Thank you my friend!

  3. Joan Malueg Says:

    Did you REALLY get that note from the WH … that the emperor REALLY signed? Y’know, people will invent just about anything, with the hope that somebody important will notice and give it credibility. Like that fork. Amazing!! I suspect it will be fine-tuned to allow you to eat only what it wants you to, and I can hardly wait to see how the liberals handle that one.

  4. LCH Says:

    Again, right on Craig; you’ve made my day ;)

  5. Faith Says:

    Oh well done Craig! I always enjoy the fume, but this one echoed what I was thinking so closely it ain’t funny! Have you seen the new “shock forks” yet? They give ya a jolt when you have eaten enough….