Craig Andresen

Muskets Would Have Never Been Issued

By Craig Andresen on July 4, 2012 at 5:30 am

Yesterday, the town of Depoe Bay, Oregon, cancelled their annual Independence Day fireworks celebration. This had been a well attended tradition since 1993.

By well attended, I don’t just mean that people turned out to watch the display but, they made a day of it and it had become a great boost to the local economy. Shop owners and restaurants, lodging establishments and gas stations had come to rely on the annual celebration.

Now, it’s gone and for what?

The birds.

That right, because of a bunch of Brandt’s Cormorants that apparently nest a mile from the bay where the fireworks USED to be shot off.

It seems there’s a bunch of bird brains who are scared that the Cormorants are scared of the fireworks and, well, they just can’t have THAT now, can they?

Sorry but, I’m not buying it.

It makes one wonder though, doesn’t it? Where we would be today had liberal/socialist, tree hugging namby pambies been ruling the roost 236 years ago?

Let’s take today’s liberal mentality and head back to the birth of this nation, shall we?

The Boston Tea Party

It was December 16th, 1773 and the Colonists were sick and tired of being taxed without the courtesy of fair representation.

In an act of defiance of the British Crown, a group of Patriots dressed as Indians, boarded ships in Boston Harbor and destroyed tea shipments by dumping crates of it into the harbor.

HOWEVER…

By today’s standards, dressing up as Indians would be racist and any doing so, who were NOT Indians, would have been held accountable for racist activities and hate crimes UNLESS of course, they were running for the U.S. Senate from Massachusetts.

They would be called an angry mob, racists, crazy as bat poop, violent and fakes.

They would have been fined MILLIONS for not doing a full blown ecological study regarding the effect of caffeine on fish and yes, they would have been banned for fear of scaring pelicans.

Bunch of bullies…

Paul Revere

Now THERE’S a fellow who would have drawn the ire of today’s liberal nut jobs.

Revere would have been busted for speeding, disturbing the peace and those lanterns…Oh my…Those lanterns.

Be they one or two, lit lanterns in an old church steeple would surely have been dangerous not to mention the soot and the fact that they were fueled by fossil energy sources. Liberals would have insisted he use LED lanterns with proper shielding so as not to distract from the Dark-Sky designation provided by ecologists.

And, let’s face it, brightly glowing lanterns would have surely, scared the bats in the belfry.

Washington Crossing the Delaware

Oh geez….

Too many people on a boat and nowhere NEAR enough personal floatation devices which USED to be called, “life preservers” before political correctness set in.

Then there’s the fact that, while crossing at night, the boat had no proper running lights and Washington was, no doubt, creating a dangerous situation which could well have been litigated because, he was standing up.

This all led to the battle of Trenton where, because of liberal mandates regarding open borders and no deportation, the HESSIANS were taking jobs even though Colonial unemployment at the time, was over 8 percent.

The collection of boats used by Washington’s army AND the fact that it all took place on the night of  December 25th and 26 would have clearly meant to today’s liberals that a CHRISTMAS (perish the thought) PARADE was in progress and…

Two Turtle Doves would have been scared right out of their pair tree.

The Minute Men

Ahhh…The Minute Men…So named because they could be ready with but a minute’s notice.

However, lacking a suitable warning that should they remain ready for more than 4 hours, a doctor should be notified, today’s liberals would never have  allowed them.

One of the greatest tactics employed by the Minute Men was fighting from cover rather than in open fields of battle. The Minute Men, as frontier hunters, would take to the trees, fire upon the enemy and then, scramble to a new place of cover before letting go with the next volley.

While it was a VERY effective tactic against the British who marched down various roads in a straight line formation while wearing white “X’s” over their red coats, today’s liberals surely would have ended the practice immediately as…

The Minute Men would have scared the COLONIAL BEJESUS out of the local quail population.

It’s really quite clear that, had today’s liberals been in charge of the Revolutionary war…

  • Colonial troops would have been instructed, at the first sound of gun fire, to run and hide.
  • Neither muskets not musket balls would have been issued as liberals hate guns and have no balls.
  • Surprise attacks and covert troop movements would have been leaked to the enemy. (Clearly, Benedict Arnold was a liberal well ahead of his time)
  • Any loss of life or property and the entire cost of the war would have been blamed on the Great, Great, Great, Great Grandfather of George. W. Bush.
  • Washington would NEVER have been the 1st President as, from an early age, he adhered to honesty and took responsibility for his own actions.
  • Rather than fighting for independence, Colonialists would have simply occupied Bunker Hill until other people stopped giving them food.
  • Betsy Ross would have been forced to join the garment makers union.
  • Campfires would NOT have been allowed at Valley Forge because they would have led to some much needed global warming.
  • The Continental Congress would have been accused of doing nothing.
  • The French Army, to this day, would never have helped win a war.
  • The guys with the drums and fifes would have been considered street performers and given a grant from the National Endowment For the Arts.
  • Yankee Doodle would have NEVER stuck a feather in his cap as it would, most assuredly, have scared a bird.

And Thomas Jefferson would have been tasked with writing the Declaration of DEpendence.

Yesterday, in Depoe Bay, Oregon, the annual 4th of July fireworks display was cancelled by a bunch of tree hugging liberal/socialists for fear it would scare the birds nesting a mile away.

Today, because I live in the middle of the largest Ponderosa Pine forest on earth and inside a National Park where, for obvious reasons, fireworks are not allowed, I will, with my trusty hand held air horn, scare the hell out of 3 hummingbirds, a chickadee, 3 ravens and will do everything in my power to make at least 2 California Condors look.

I will do this, not only to recognize what those great Patriots did some 236 years ago bu,t also for the citizens of Depoe Bay, Oregon and while science can now identify quarks, which are found inside protons which are only about .08fm in size…

The instrument calibrated to measure the miniscule amount of crap I give regarding the Brandt’s Cormorants, a mile from Depoe Bay, has yet to be invented but, I would hazard a guess that they taste like chicken.

Today is a day to celebrate the birth of our nation and the courage of the Patriots who fought and died for freedom and liberty. Today is a day to celebrate those men of wisdom who provided the documents which separated us from what was, at the time, the most powerful country on earth.

Today we celebrate with pies and parades, with family, friends, food and yes, fireworks.

Just as liberal/socialists attempt to turn CHRISTMAS trees into HOLIDAY trees and remove any outward signs of religion from public display, now they seem to be taking steps toward quieting and removing our celebrations of Patriotism.

As PATRIOTS, we celebrate the day we became a nation and if that puckers up a few feathered colons, SO BE IT because…

LIBERALS are for the birds.

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4 Responses to “Muskets Would Have Never Been Issued”

  1. Norm Says:

    The birds will come back when they’re not afraid anymore. The Libs’ will return if we don’t vote.

  2. shane Says:

    CORMORANTS!!?? They have a season on the buggers here, they are destructive and eat all the dang fish!!!! idiots!!

  3. Ratchell Says:

    I SAY WE EAT THE BIRDS AND THE EGGS!!! :)

  4. Barb Says:

    OK…….kidding aside, I don’t like it when people act as if its OK to abuse animals or treat them with disrespect. And seriously, if we didn’t have endangered species laws we’d have entire species GONE – wiped off the planet. Honestly, I”d like to see a lot of people wiped off the planet!

    Now, having said that, this is quite funny as the military is dangerously politically correct – !!