Craig Andresen

Make ME the Sec. of Common Sense!!!

By Craig Andresen on April 23, 2012 at 5:22 am

Honestly, I believe the problem with a list of 20 things our government is wasting YOUR money doing is narrowing it to 20. Suffice it to say the actual number could well reach into the thousands and the totals into the billions each and every year.

The real question is, why? WHY do our members of Congress continue to allocate YOUR money to such “projects” and WHY can they not see the folly in doing so?

At a time when we MUST reduce the size of government, I would suggest adding 1 cabinet level position.

Make ME the Secretary of Common Sense.

My salary would be performance based and my word would be the final word. This would be a lifetime appointment and I would be required to issue a written reason for my decisions.

The list below was compiled when we were not yet 14 trillion dollars in debt, my salary for the list below would have been, $22,317,596.50 and my written statements for each item, reflecting my reasoning, appear in blue.

I would make my report public on the first of every month in a press conference.

Here we go…

#1 A total of $3 million has been granted to researchers at the University of California at Irvine so that they can play video games such as “World of Warcraft.”  The goal of this “video game research” is reportedly to study how “emerging forms of communication, including multiplayer computer games and online virtual worlds such as “World of Warcraft” and “Second Life” can help organizations collaborate and compete more effectively in the global marketplace.”

Denied. If we are going to spend money on television ads encouraging people to go outside and play, we are NOT going to spend millions more allowing a bunch of higher education elites set a bad example just because medical marijuana is legal in the Republic of Kalifornia.

#2 The U.S. Department of Agriculture gave the University of New Hampshire $700,000 this year to study methane gas emissions from dairy cows.

Denied. Cow farts stink…Study complete…There are a darn good many things which government has no business sticking their noses into and this, by God, is one of them…You’re welcome.

#3 $615,000 was given to the University of California at Santa Cruz to digitize photos, T-shirts and concert tickets belonging to the Grateful Dead.

Denied. Duuuuude…That’s way too much scratch to pay some guy who is occupying his parents basement, sitting in a windowless room, wearing nothing but tie dyed underwear and digitizing such an auspicious collection would like, totally wreck its intrinsic value.

#4 A professor at Stanford University received $239,100 to study how Americans use the Internet to find love.  So far one of the key findings of this “research” is that the Internet is a safer and more discreet way to find same-sex partners.

Denied. Larry Craig’s “foot signals in the men’s room” research has already proven this theory and I see no reason to pay him any more of the people’s money.

#5 The National Science Foundation spent $216,000 to study whether or not politicians “gain or lose support by taking ambiguous positions.”

Denied. Maybe I see validity in this and…Maybe I don’t, but I am unsure that allocating taxpayer money to this effort at this time is wise. Maybe in the future…maybe not…

#6 The National Institutes of Health spent approximately $442,340 to study the behavior of male prostitutes in Vietnam.

Denied. I’m not clear on the amount we spent studying FEMALE hookers in COLUMBIA last week, but I DO know it’s not going to end well.

#7 Approximately $1 million of U.S. taxpayer money was used to create poetry for the Little Rock, New Orleans, Milwaukee and Chicago zoos.  The goal of the “poetry” is to help raise awareness on environmental issues.

Denied. There once was a man named Gore

               Whose speeches were really a bore

               He was clearly lying

               To say Polar Bears were dying

               Unless taxpayers agreed to pay more.

#8 The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs spent $175 million during 2010 to maintain hundreds of buildings that it does not even use.  This includes a pink, octagonal monkey house in the city of Dayton, Ohio.

Denied. I’d like to know what  somebody in a PENTAGONAL monkey house in Virginia was smoking when they decided THIS was a good idea.

#9 $1.8 million of U.S. taxpayer dollars went for a “museum of neon signs” in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Denied. Really? A “Museum of Neon Signs” in VEGAS??? Turn on the neon “CLOSED” sign and let people walk up and down the strip on their own dime. This would be NO different than erecting a “Museum of the Absurdly Dressed” in the parking lot of a WALMART and no…we won’t be doing THAT either.

#10 $35 million was reportedly paid out by Medicare to 118 “phantom” medical clinics that never even existed.  Apparently these “phantom” medical clinics were established by a network of criminal gangs as a way to defraud the U.S. government.

Denied. It’s bad enough that we’re paying for illegal aliens. We CERTAINLY don’t need to offer medical assistance to phantoms.

#11 The Conservation Commission of Monkton, Vermont, got $150,000 from the federal government to construct a “critter crossing.”  Thanks to U.S. government money, the lives of “thousands” of migrating salamanders are now being saved.

Denied. God invented car washes for a reason. Trying to legislate salamanders into crossing at the designated spot is silly. Regardless of how much money you throw at the issue, this stands as much a chance of success as requiring bugs to fly above the height of the average windshield.

#12 In California, one park received $440,000 in federal funds to perform “green energy upgrades” on a building that has not been used for a decade.

Denied. As there is nobody present to turn them on, there is no need to retrofit the building with $50 light bulbs. If someone would suggest a plan to revamp old foreclosed on green energy buildings into something that actually MAKES money…well…

#13 $440,955 was spent this past year on an office for former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert that he rarely even visits.

Denied. As Hastert is busy trying to digitize Grateful Dead crap from his parents basement and we denied his allocation on that, there is no reason to buy him a Pentagon issued scanner for his “office.”

#14 One Tennessee library was given $5,000 in federal funds to host a series of video game parties.

Denied. Let them bring their own Doritos.

#15 The U.S. Census Bureau spent $2.5 million on a television commercial during the Super Bowl that was so poorly produced that virtually nobody understood what is was trying to say.

Denied. Unless the government intends to use Victoria’s Secret models as census takers, they have no business whatsoever advertising on the Super Bowl.

#16 A professor at Dartmouth University received $137,530 to create a “recession-themed” video game entitled “Layoff.”

Denied. Any “professor” stupid enough to come up with this deserves to LIVE it…Not PLAY it.

#17 The National Science Foundation gave the Minnesota Zoo over $600,000 so that they could develop an online video game called “Wolfquest.”

Denied. The video game did not employ poetry.

#18 A pizzeria in Iowa was given $60,000 to renovate the pizzeria’s facade and give it a more “inviting feel.”

Denied. This is clear discrimination against blind people.

#19 The U.S. Department of Agriculture gave one enterprising group of farmers $30,000 to develop a tourist-friendly database of farms that host guests for overnight “haycations.”  This one sounds like something that Dwight Schrute would have dreamed up.

Denied. As the database fails to include galleries of the farmers’ daughters…it is of little use to traveling salesmen.

#20 Almost unbelievably, the National Institutes of Health was given $800,000 in “stimulus funds” to study the impact of a “genital-washing program” on men in South Africa.

Denied. Good grief…The “IMPACT” of washing their genitals is that after doing so…they have clean balls. The other problem here is clear…this will become a money pit as the more vigorously they attend to the study…the more soap it will require as the SIZE of the AREA of study is apt to increase. What starts out as 800k will grow to staggering proportions.

My salary is based on keeping only 10% of the taxpayer’s money saved and I will be donating about half of that BACK to the government in paid taxes.

While you may well think my salary excessive, the goal is to render my salary $0.00 by VOTING OUT THE MORONS WHO MAKE MY POSITION AS THE SECRETARY OF COMMON SENSE…UNNECESSARY!!!

I am BEGGING you to send a link to this article to every single Member of Congress as well as post it to your Facebook wall and tweet it to all your followers!!!

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5 Responses to “Make ME the Sec. of Common Sense!!!”

  1. Joan Malueg Says:

    Been saying for a while now, if given a copy of the “budget” with the authority to make changes, using the talents of someone who can “translate” into everyday language and someone else who knows the law, I could balance the budget and get rid of the deficit in about 6 months.

  2. Anthony Peter Senecal Says:

    GREAT!!!!! It makes SENSE!!!!!!!

  3. Len McCormick Says:

    How about line item veto.

  4. admin Says:

    Len,

    The problem with the line item veto is it would be at the whim of whoever is the president.

  5. Monica Couch Says:

    good article, craig… yeah, line item veto would never work w/ any president… better if they would only stick to one issue per bill (course then, they’d never get anyone else to sign on to them). i think all of us are sick & tired of paying for asinine “special interest” projects for each individual congressman/senator…