I was in the 1^st grade and it was Oct. 12^th. We were learning ALL about Columbus and how he discovered America.

In Fourteen Hundred and Ninety Two

Columbus Sailed the Ocean Blue.

I got a stern look from my teacher that day because I asked what I thought to be a rather obvious question.

“How did Columbus discover a place that already had people on it?”

It was my 1^st grade teacher who told us about how, when Columbus set foot on America, he was met by the Indians and, that’s what led to my question. I thought, like a 1^st grade fool, that perhaps it was the Indians who discovered America.

What was I thinking?

Over the years, I have always wondered, despite the stern look I received that Columbus didn’t actually discover America and so far, it looks as though I might be onto something.

We know NOW that Columbus, on that first voyage, was looking for a new route to the Indies and promised to bring back riches like gold. That’s why, when he landed in America, he called the people who were there first but obviously didn’t discover the place…Indians.

Today of course, we call them Native Americans but, and I’m probably way off base and deserve another stern look here – Columbus actually landed in the Bahamas so…what exactly were native Americans doing THERE? Weren’t they really…Native Bahamanites or something?

It seems, that after a few days of being driven crazy by reggae music and taking notice that nobody could figure how to dance to it, Columbus set sail for a bigger island and ended up, this time, in Cuba – where he was met by more Indians who weren’t really Indians who hadn’t discovered the land on which they lived even though they were there to meet Columbus.

Columbus somehow managed to run HIS ship aground in Cuba and, as we all know, in Cuba, it’s hard to get new parts so, Columbus took over one of the other two ships and off he went to Haiti where he discovered yet another patch of land already inhabited by…Indians who weren’t Indians at all.

Before I go any further here, let me add some clarity as to why we no longer celebrate Columbus Day on October 12^th. Clearly, Columbus landed in San Salvador on the 2^nd Monday of October and, by only counting Mondays rather than counting each individual day, Columbus convinced his men that they we only lost 1/7 of the time they were ACTUALLY lost not to mention that government workers need yet another 3 day weekend and the rest of us haven’t had a good mattress sale since Labor Day.

You’re welcome.

Okay, so…Columbus’ voyage was SUCH a grand success that upon his return to Spain, without the riches of gold, silk and spices he promised, with no decent cigars, minus his largest ship and with only a handful of Indians who weren’t really Indians whom he intended to use to open slave trade, the Queen signed off on 2 more voyages!

It wasn’t until the 3^rd trip that Columbus actually discovered the mainland where he was greeted by…Indians who weren’t really Indians.

There are many other possibilities as to who actually discovered America and among those would be the Vikings.

It seems the Vikings and Lief Ericsson got here long before Columbus.

It was nearly 500 years ahead of Columbus that Ericsson landed in Newfoundland and shortly thereafter, found his way to the mainland where he found rivers, lakes, grape vines and…Indians who weren’t really Indians whom he quickly dispatched while they slept under their canoes.

In doing this, Ericsson failed to endear himself to the Non Indians and the Vikings eventually left but not before also hacking off Packer fans everywhere. Why we don’t have a 3-day weekend and a decent mattress sale in honor of Ericsson is beyond me.

There is also some speculation that Admiral Zheng and his large fleet of Chinese junks, in 1421 landed in what is now Florida where they were met by retired Indians who, while not really Indians were indeed retired.

This however, at this point, is theory and unconfirmed since the phrase, “In Fourteen Hundred and Twenty One, Admiral Zheng Sailed the Ocean Blue” doesn’t rhyme and, while the Chinese do own a substantial deal of our national debt, we have yet to advertise mattress sales in the Admiral’s honor. Until more evidence is discovered, we will however continue to hedge our bets by importing sheets from China.

It’s hard to say who actually discovered America but of one thing we are quite certain. It was NOT the Indians who aren’t really Indians regardless of the fact that seemingly, since the earliest of times, they were in charge of fruit basket presentations to any and all of those who did discover America and ultimately paid for their generosity with their lives.

As a 1^st grader, I couldn’t understand how it was that Columbus discovered a land upon which others were already living and now, I fail to understand why we celebrate the individual whose motivation for coming here was to pillage the riches and enslave the people.

I also can’t understand why government workers need another 3 day weekend or why a king sized collection of cotton and springs costs more than a thousand dollars even when it’s on sale.

Clearly, the more I have learned since the 1^st grade, the less I understand but today IS Columbus day and mattresses ARE on sale so the LEAST we could all do is celebrate by visiting an Indian casino.

We SHOULD have given the Indians who aren’t Indians at all the mattress concession instead of reservations.